Maybe you thought your weekend was hot shit, but you weren’t riding the CTA Santa Train when it totally derailed. (Again!) And you probably didn’t build a Gingerbread Currency Exchange either. Then again, you might have actually gotten all your shopping done and your presents wrapped and all your cards finished. And you might actually have time to do things like post to your weblog, and make thoughtful crafts. and participate in the liberal conspiracy against Christmas, because you weren’t out fucking around. Good for you!

(More later if I have the, um, time.)

The other night my boyfriend and I were watching this awesome show about gingerbread houses. You may not think a Food Network documentary about the Gingerbread House Challenge Championship in Asheville, NC would be an awesome show, but it is; it comes in on a special cable signal in the Fucking Awesome frequency that can only be picked up when Chris is near the TV. I mean when I am alone, nothing is ever on besides some Gilmore Girls rerun (typical summary: Lorelai names each of her potato chips after Osmonds; Rory awkwardly takes tea with the Illuminati; something about Kirk and a ladder), but when Chris comes over we are visited by R. Kelly videos, truly glorious Lifetime movies about cybersmut, and the wonder that is Competitive Gingerbread. Which consists of making gingerbread houses that look like the work of Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light™ brought to freakishly goopy third-dimensional life in a parallel universe based on sugar instead of carbon. We are talking some seriously fucked-up candy civil engineering here.
[Read more…]

New jeans that are like my Jessica Simpson jeans in every way, except for the association with Jessica Simpson.

A perpetual can of Diet Coke that never goes empty, warm, or flat.

One of those heated Japanese bras. Black, please!

The head of Adam Corolla.

A robot servant who can charge my cell phone, update my iPod, pick up prescriptions, and dispense quarters through its mouth.

Exact replicas of the black-heart-skull-and-crossbones earrings worn by Nena in the video for 99 Luftballons.

A faithful ghost dog.

Some process by which to absorb the complete texts of the last two Harry Potter books without having to actually read them.

The amazing ability to turn lights and appliances on and off with the mere clap of my hands.