Linking and lurching

So here are a couple of pages I just put up: one is about some upcoming events (readings and rock and roll!) and the other is a little cheat sheet so that people who come here after reading I’m Not the New Me can get caught up to the present (because that stuff was five years ago and I got fat again!). Oh, and my friend Shylo and I did a really demented follow-up to our American Girls Adventure at Gapers Block. (Where, yes, we went to see My Little Pony Live at the Rosemont Theatre, and it made American Girl Place seem like the fucking Louvre, because our minds seriously curdled and turned into pink glittery agar. I do not recommend it.) But anyway I present these links as evidence that I have not been slacking quite this whole time.

Last week and the week before were very good Thing I’m Doing weeks. in which the digital scale blipped up all kinds of impressively low numbers and chirped approvingly. I was twenty-three pounds down and I fit into some jeans from 2003 and the spring breezes tossed me around ever so playfully like the American Beauty plastic bag. This week, I am not so sure, as the scale seems bloopery and wrong (but of course it’s probably right) and the victory jeans I just bought have staged some kind of coup or mutiny (they did come from Old Navy) and are now the oppressor jeans because they feel so tight. I hope this is temporary. It’s true I ate several very unauthorized things this week, ate them for no good reason whatsoever except that they were there. And it was a very drinky week, too—beer at a party, wine at a bar, and some bourbon at home on Saturday night (aka the Massacre at Knob Creek, which, fun as it was, is something Chris and I probably should not repeat for awhile). But I’m starting to think I just have a lurchy metabolism, one that jerks ahead and then stumbles back but somehow manages to move forward in freakish Quasimodo fashion. But I would expect nothing less from my body.

Speaking of bodies, even though the results of the Anna Nicole Smith autopsy surprised absolutely nobody in the universe, I’m sort of glad the report of her druggy, abscessed ass still made news, if only to show that a skinny Anna Nicole could “let herself go” just as spectacularly as a fat Anna Nicole. Inspiring, to say the least.

My astounding birthday horoscopes!

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Chicago Tribune: You’re making new friends this year and moving abut about with a prestigious crowd. Take care, this will be expensive. Don’t even try to keep up with them all. Go at an affordable pace.

Is it a bad sign that my birthday horoscope has a typo in it? Then again, perhaps I am destined to move a butt about with a prestigious crowd. My butt? Someone else’s? And this will cost money? We shall see!

Sun-Times, Holiday Mathis: IF MARCH 13 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You’re definitely on the fast track this year. You dare to be creative with your work, which brings astounding results. Pool your remarkable resources with family, colleagues and friends in May. In June, you grant a loved one’s wishes, and your own become real soon after. You share a special connection with Virgo and Gemini people. Your lucky numbers are 7, 10, 4, 19 and 33.

I want to believe this is a good horoscope, but “astounding” can mean lots of things. So can “remarkable” and “special.” Nothing against you Virgos and Geminis, of course. Also, this past Saturday night Rachael and I celebrated our birthdays at St. Pauli Bar, and then Chris and I came home drunk and ate fake chicken nuggets while watching Sesame Street. Which was sponsored by THE NUMBER 4. And the letter X, which could very well REPRESENT the numbers 7, 10, 19, and 33, algebraically speaking. So there you go.

Sun-Times, Georgia Nicols: IF MARCH 13 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Actor William H. Macy (1950) shares your birthday today. You often feel that fate plays a role in your life. You have your own special brand of courage, which is why you are able to surmount major obstacles. Personal growth is important to you. You intend to become a better person in this lifetime. In the year ahead, you’ll have an opportunity to study and learn something valuable.

You know, Georgia Nicols, actor William H. Macy shares my birthday all the time and not just this day, so maybe you can stop bringing it up. Yes, Dana Delaney, too. I think the Sun-Times pays you the big astrologer bucks for you to study the STARS, Georgia Nicols, not IMDB. Honestly, I think you’ve been phoning it in for awhile now, and I just thought I’d tell you, because personal growth is important to me.

Lovepsychic.com: Happy Birthday Pisces: Pisces, can you spell f-a-n-a-s-t-i-c? Yes, 2007 will be a fantastic year! Anticipate your rewards to be many! With the prosperity magnet planet, Jupiter sitting comfortably at the highest point of your chart, you’ll get everything you deserve and then some! The first area of return will be your career! Jupiter, joined by power-planet Pluto now in your career sector, brings a career change, a promotion or a job up grade! Don’t worry about whether or not you can handle your new commitments. Discipline planet Saturn has been busy preparing you for bigger and better things, and you’ll soon realize the importance of Saturn’s tough tactics. Not only will work situations improve but so will your friendships. Expect yourself to be surrounded by some very interested and high level people by the end of the year. Relationship matters take on more importance. On Sept. 2nd, Saturn turns its gaze on your partnerships. Romance can be taken to a higher path. Pay careful attention to your intuition! Neptune allows you to tune into your inner voice. Uranus in your Sun sign attracts all sorts of opportunities your way! Not only will 2007 be fantastic, but it will also be a memorable year!

This one is from my favorite online horoscoper, who uses a lot of exclamation points! Love Psychic, can you spell e-m-p-h-a-t-i-c? Wait, don’t answer that! This horoscope is very specific but I have no idea what it actually means! But maybe I will a year from now!

Happy really-unseasonably-warm-day-in-Chicago, everyone! (Happy William H. Macy’s Birthday to the rest of you!) Love, me.

p.s. If you know of any other horoscopes for today, I’d dig seeing them, so feel free to link (or copy and paste them) in the comments.
p.p.s. This week I remembered that last year I copied and pasted my 2006 birthday horoscopes and saved it as a blog draft entry. (Yeah, somehow I’m always busy around my birthday; there’s always a BUST column deadline and other stuff.) Anyway, I’ll post the retro horoscopes sometime soon to see how true they were.

Please Stand By

Busy writing stuff for money.  Will return to writing stuff for love and comments very soon.