I’m trying to feel just a little tiny speck of pity for this guy, who appears to have no friends, or at least no friends who support his efforts to run an anonymous and patently derivative humor website containing misspelled fake news stories, satire, and cooter jokesâ€”or, at the very, very least, no friends with whom he feels comfortable enough to disclose that he’s the dude who posted the Lane Bryant Body Bag story just a few hours after five women were killed in an attempted robbery here in Chicago on Saturday.
Somehow the joke didn’t go over so well. I know, right!? Because the execution-style killing of five bystanders in an incident with no answers or closure whatsoever is so totally comedy gold, yet hardly anyone has shown up to give him the props that he deserves for going there, man, because everyone is so sick of these obese women who have the freaking nerve to go out and buy clothes while they’re still fat, and can you believe they actually have stores for them, encouraging them to stay all fatty jubbo and shit, and all with such complete disregard for
his boner the obesity epidemic that of course he had to say what he said, lest the fat chicks of the world think they can get a death-holiday day off or something.
But no, nobody gives this guy credit! Instead of high-fives, practically all he’s getting are angry comments from fat chicks! Well, except for two guys who hate fat chicks, including some dude named Alex who keeps valiantly coming back to post like some self-appointed keeper of the flame, or refiller of the douchebag, or whatever. As for the fat chicks who are posting comments there, they don’t say they’re fat chicks, but they just don’t seem to appreciate the way the victims of a violent unsolved crime were immediately ridiculed in a feebly written Onion-copycat mock press release, and everyone knows that only fat chicks have a sense of human decency and also high standards for satire, right?
I know that all kinds of people read my site, but if any of you go over to this guy’s site to tell him how unfunny he is (and whether you do or not is up to you), it seems you automatically become a fat chick. Seriously, as soon as you click “Submit Comment,” a tub of ice cream will magically appear in your hand, and then you’ll be promptly told to put it down. This guy blames the nation’s health problems on us fat chicks for writing “obesity–coddling” blogs and eating all the pies, but clearly all our militant binging and coddling is no match for the way this guy’s site can make fresh new fatties in just minutes, just like donuts! It’s so amazing that if I, too, were into writing stale, imitative news parodies in lieu of having any kind of individual comic voice whatsoever, I would totally crap out one right now with the headline Area Man’s Website Increases Female Obesity Statistics to Include 98% of the General Population, and then I’d quote him saying some inane shit that I just made up, and hyuk hyuk hyuk har har! But I digress.
Anyway, as for all you newly-minted fat chicks, hello and welcome to the fold! (By which I mean, of course, the fatty, fleshy folds that guys like dude-with-the-website love to describe in fetishistic detail, for reasons we could have a field day with if we actually cared.) Please feel free to enjoy the privileges of honorary membership, which includes 1.) getting to eat all the pies and 2.) possessing the kind of adaptive skills that help you to be way the hell funnier than any braying jackhole whose jokes are all based on his own desperate need to keep things just the way he thinks they ought to be and, especially, keep everyone in their place. Which is spectacularly shitty just on principle, but even worse when it’s not funny.
And by “not funny” I don’t mean in bad taste. I mean actually not funny. I mean it completely failed. It’s one thing to read something smart and sharp and precise enough that in spite of all your defenses and preconceived ideas and notions of correctness it gets through; it slays you. It’s another thing entirely to come across some bullshit that is so stunningly mangled and skidmarked and sloppy that it’s like getting hacked in the neck with a spork, and then of course it’s a perfectly reasonable response to want to punch and kick and scratch and bite back. This is just to explain why I bothered to write this. Sometimes it’s just what peopleâ€”excuse me, “fat chicks”â€”have to do.
Update 10:45 p.m: He took down his “Fat Girls Don’t Think I’m Funny” entry but you can read this screen shot of it here to see how dopey it was. The last comment I saw posted there read, “Honey, nobody thinks you’re funny.”
Update, Februrary 18th: He’s gone extra chickenshit now and doesn’t even approve comments anymore. I’ve decided to just link to screencaps of his site instead. I gaveth traffic, but sorry, you friendless angry little clown fart, now I taketh away.
Update, Feburary 25th: Today, like two and a half weeks later, he got all lonely and tried to bombard the comments of this entry with more of his shit-sputtering failure rage! I just checked my spam filter, where his last message says, “awwwâ€¦you erased my comment. Bet you wish is (sic) was just as easy to remove all your fatz from your ass.” Oh, but “Alex,” blocking your tiny and inadequate insult cock is way, way more fun than removing the fatz from my ass! Check out how I totally just gained 50 pounds because I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE! I drink it up!
Eileen Parks says
I thought about leaving a vituperative comment on that non-existent person’s blog, but I thought: the douche will just get more of a thrill knowing he’s offended someone. I would rather tell you that I CANNOT put INTNM down and I don’t know why I haven’t heard of it sooner but I’m glad I found it. Back to that guy, seriously, he has to live life being a pathetic ass hat. Not that I feel any compassion or anything, but there ya go.
I’m pretty sure that the “Alex” commenter is the OP. Because there is no way on earth that anyone would be stupid enough to post comments in support of that jackass. He’s just trying to make it seems like he has friends, or at the very least people who read his blog and enjoy the poor spelling and terribly-executed Onion copycatting. What a wiener.
Nope, not going to click on the links, not going to give his site any traffic. Just knowing that slime like him exists is bad enough; I’m not going to track any of it home on my shoes.
I’m very pleased to be inducted into the club. Do us fat chicks go out for drinks? Your next one is on me.
Have we established definitively that this site isn’t run by Richard Roeper?
Ha! Phineas, I don’t think Richard Roeper could even spell THAT well sans copy editors.
Guess it’s not Roeper, because he actually got it right this time. Go figure!
God, what a loser. I read the post, but I’m not going to waste my time commenting.
My heart goes out to Chicago and the people whose lives were destroyed in this horrid shooting.
It’s eerie, when I was in Chicago for BlogHer, I made a pilgrimage to an LB below the El, and when I was in there, I actually had a robbery scenario go through my head. I know it wasn’t the same LB, but the location seemed kind of ominous to me.
Well bloody said Wendy!!!
You, on the other hand, ARE funny. I’m just excited because now I don’t have to buy ice cream any more–I can click on his link and it will appear in my hand! Can I specify flavors? Because I really hate mint.
Thanks for the screencap; it meant I didn’t have to give him any traffic. And given that he can’t even spell his own site name correctly I’m really not going to lose any sleep over this halfwit.
Now watch him put up a mock-conciliatory entry called “Fat Girls Get A Death-Holiday Day Off” and pretend that he thought of it first.
Wendy, “refiller of the douchebag” is seriously awesome phrase in a great post. I wonder if this guy is one of those who puts ads on Craigslist looking for writers for a “seriously hilarious/the next Onion website” but can’t afford to pay anything (why? because it’s crap).
I read your blog often, this entry horrified me. I actually commented and saw the post he did with regard to Heath Ledger, how can this type of crap be allowed?
It’s odd that this guy can’t get any girls, he seems like such a winner. Thanks for writing a really intelligent and funny post — maybe he will read it and learn how it’s done.
I was going to leave a comment on that post but the KFC chicken grease had accumulated so much on my fingers that they kept slipping off the keys.
What an asshole.
Oh yeah, I bet he really looks like that pie-chart dude in the clip-art, too. Because, you know, men who hate “fat chicks” (read: any female over size 8–or is it 4, now?) are all Slim Goodbody, and that’s what qualifies them to judge. For some reason, though, when I read the text, all I could picture in my head was a pre-OxyContin Rush Limbaugh. Naked. Sweating. Mouth hanging open, with a string of drool heading south. Typing one-handed.
And then my mind went blank, not wanting to see more.
I am not even going to comment on that asshat’s site. What a loser; I’m sorry I even clicked on the link and gave him any traffic. I feel unclean.
Wow. Thank you.
I didn’t feel the same way at all about that guy’s Heath Ledger jokes, because they were all stock dead-person gags that could have been made about anyone who kicked the bucket recently. His archives are full of stuff like, “Gee, [recently deceased person] hasn’t been saying much lately! Wonder why?” GET IT?
Whereas the LB joke is a piece of shit because it’s just a vehicle for his contempt that he tried to pass off as some kind of social commentary on fat acceptance, which of course has nothing to do with those shooting victims. He’s too stupid with hate to be any good at satire.
I wonder how the CEO of LB would feel about this seeing as she’s “quoted” in the “article”.
What a prick.
Kate Harding says
Okay, first, I love you.
Second, I need to make business cards that say, “Kate Harding, Obesity Coddler.”
I hate him. I hate everything he stands for. I have a friend who is married to an Alex, and I hate him too because he’s an asshole and could have commented on this kind of shit.
I also want to note that I am a fat girl who went to the Lane Bryant and I love it when a man works there (yes, cute men work at Lane Bryant in Salt Lake City, Utah) and when he found me the perfect pair of jeans, he told me that my ass looked fabulous. He may have simply been trying to sell me a pair of jeans but at least he did something the blogging asshole did not, he made me feel good.
Wow. As someone who actually gets paid to write satire and comedy this guy is an unfunny bag of fuck. I hope when he gets that job interview at “The Onion” he’s been waiting for he gets laughed at on sight.
You rock, thanks for the good healthy rant.
Ugh. It’s this kind of shit that makes me so angry that I want to drop kick that guy. The audacity. The complete disregard for human lives. It’s depressing to think that this guy thinks he can write something so vile and get away with it. Ugh.
I feel so conflicted about this stuff. On one hand, I don’t want to see him get more traffic, on the other I think there is a place for discussing this kind of behavior. In the end, I don’t think many people will be back to that site, so I don’t feel bad about clicking over there once.
Thanks for exposing this tool!
Wow. Just wow. I don’t think there are words to adequately express my disbelief. How anyone could be so casually cruel. And this man (term used loosely) has obviously never examined his own life. If finding him not funny means that one must be fat, then those of us with an IQ higher than Antarcticas average temperature must be HUGE!!
Can we all get membership cards? And a secret handshake?
Her Bad Mother says
yeah, um, ASSHOLE. And, STUPID asshole, because if lonely women – let’s just roll with his stupid sterotypes here, shall we – sitting at home all jacked up on pie don’t think he’s funny, well, then, who would?
Skinny-assed misogynists on a sugar crash, maybe, but that’s prolly about it.
Well. There really aren’t words strong enough for that jerk. That kind of attitude boggles my mind.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I’m here because my roommate read INTNM and passed it onto me, and I finished it tonight. It was fantastic and incredibly brave.
Interesting that, in his made-up quotes from fictional fat women, the usernames he thought up are all sexual, and one references being too much woman to be easily handled.
The post itself dwells on the idea of (sexual) fat women clamoring for his attention and approval, then ends with a joke about fat women being the only women he could potentially date. It’s like his subconscious desires and fears aren’t even really subconscious.
He reminds me of a guy I saw on Jenny Craig a million years ago, who started the episode hating on fat women just like this guy does. His jokes became progressively more sexual and the audience called him out on what looked like a secret fetish. He seemed to enjoy the attention. He returned for a later episode, fully out as a fat fetishist and performing little raps about how he wanted to have sex with all the fat chicks in the audience. By the end of it, I was happy for him.
Maybe Alex can free himself from the fetish closet, too, and be happy.
Damn, the link is broken, Too bad, because I really could use some ice cream and was so going to click that ” submit button”
Holy crap, I dug up the website from your saved screen shot, and it only gets worse. I really am not clever or articulate enough to express my disgust. (So thanks for authoring most of my thoughts for me. Love your work…)