Memo from the Spirit of Christmas Past

Notes to self regarding important things I’d never otherwise remember by next Christmas:

1.) It really doesn’t take all that long to put up the lights in the living room. Don’t put this off “until you have time,” because it only takes half an hour, you lazy little shit.

2.) Those Advent Calendar things are tacky and you never keep up with opening the little stupid doors. Please resist the urge to buy another one this next year.

3.) You don’t need any more holiday postage stamps. You already had some from the year before. Don’t buy more this next year thinking that they’ll motivate you to get back into the habit of sending Christmas cards, because they won’t, dumbass.

4.) Since now you’ll need to get new Christmas cards to use up the stamps, for the love of God just buy the first good set you see. DON’T decide you’ll get them later after you’ve looked at cards in other stores. That’s what screwed you up in 1998. Remember? You never do.

5.) Those swags of holiday greenery you get in the Trader Joe’s flower section dry out in about three days and the holly berries give off a funky smell.

6.) Just because you have the time to bake Christmas cookies on Christmas Eve doesn’t mean you should. It’s not like Santa is going to come up and smack you.

7.) If you do make cookies, they’re way better when you seal them in an airtight container right after cooling them. A container just like the red plastic tub you threw out last year for some damn reason.

8.) It will do you well to remember how much it rocks to go grocery shopping at 11pm on the 23rd, when it’s about two thousand times less crowded than on the 24th.

9.) Really, don’t even leave the house on the 24th unless it’s to go drink somewhere.