Tonight I discovered I’d misplaced my cell phone. I drove back to work to look for it and when I didn’t find it there, in the car, in my apartment, or in my car again, I knew it lost and that in the moring I’d have to drive down to the one Cingular store open at 9 am to replace it before I got on the plane to Boston. And I hadn’t packed yet, and my apartment was a mess, and it took all the strength I had not to fall apart, and yes, I know that’s a disco line, but I called on my inner Gloria Gaynor and managed to do an evening radio interview, which somehow cheered me up. And then just before 10pm I got a call from the FedEx driver who’d found my phone in front of my office building, and who, thank fucking God, lived just a five minute drive away and let me come by to pick it up. So this is why this entry sucks. It’s okay. The real world sucks considerably less now that I have my phone, am almost packed, and have the finale of America’s Next Top Model on TiVo.

I am still doing a crazy amount of radio. I look at my calendar planner and that Fishbone song with all the radio call letters goes through my head. I have a nice review in Time this week. You should also get the new Elle, too. It still doesn’t make up for the lack of updates, I know, but I wanted to let you know I know about the magazine stuff in case you email me to tell me about it. I’m going to be in Boston this week. I’m going to be in New York. I’m going to see Monica! The Musical on Sunday night. I’m going to write in more complex sentences again someday. I miss you all. I’ll tell you stories soon. That is all. For now.

I’m going to be on Kathy and Judy on WGN at 10:30 am. Their list of past book guests is so great that I’m really looking forward to this one. (And yes, you can listen in online if you’re not in Chicago.) They might take callers, too, for those of you who like phoning in to radio stations. Or rather, those of you who like phoning in to radio stations and who are not bugfreaking crazy. But if you’re reasonably sane and don’t have a conspiracy theory you’d like to incoherently rant about, by all means listen in.

And later on I’ll be seeing Erin read at Transitions. Memo to Erin: in the part of the store where the readings take place there is a little Zen fountain that has little floating chimes, and they ALMOST sound like a cell phone, and you’ll hear this soft “ding, ding,” while you’re reading, and you’ll wonder where it comes from, and then you’ll KEEP HEARING IT and you’ll begin to think you’re going a little nuts. But you’re not. You’ll be fine. And can we go stalk Kirstie Alley at Borders afterwards? Will she flap her satin duster at us? I hope so!

The night after that I’ll be doing my Barnes & Noble reading, so if you’re not tired of (formerly) fat chick books, come see me. I’ve updated the book site; check it out for store details and other book news.

One of these days I’ll have something besides the bee oh oh kay to talk about again, I swear. Thank you for your patience.

At about 11:30 am CST and then again at 7:30 pm today you can hear me on Tulsa public radio, even if you’re not in Tulsa. (Click on the link for 89.5 KWGS.)

I had a lot of fun doing this one, and I think it’ll turn out sounding a lot better than the bit I did for a Colorado Springs station this morning: a 45-second live interview which included about 10 seconds of TOTAL BRAIN FART in which I was trying to decide whether “half-assed” was in violation of FCC rules.

And how was your morning?

…on the plane to Seattle; in a hotel room in Seattle for four nights; in the same hotel room in Seattle for two totally konked-out hours during the day after an early morning TV thing; in a town car driving from Seattle to Portland; in a hotel room in Portland for about four hours; in the guest bedroom at my friends’ house in Portland for two more totally konked out hours; in the guest bedroom for three more nights; in a chair at the salon where we were getting pedicures; on the plane from Portland to Denver; on the plane from Denver to Chicago.

Thank you: Laurel and Mark, who put me up in Portland; Pam and Suzanne, who drove me to the Bellevue reading (I will email you!); Linda and Chiara, who hung out with us afterwards; Tiffany Midge, who took the photos at Third Place; Dawn and Jennifer, who took me out for drinks later; Charmaine, who painted my toes I’m Not Really A Waitress Red; Crofton, who helped me not freak out in the green room; Ron, who gave me a ride to the damn airport; everyone who showed up at all three readings; everyone who bought a book or asked a question or just nodded helpfully; all the bookstore folks (Don! Wendy! People at Powell’s!); Brian in Tulsa, for doing such a fun interview; the tattooed chick who cut my hair on short notice on a Sunday; anyone else I’ve neglected to mention.

If you’re in Seattle, you can get signed copies at the downtown Borders, Third Place Books, the University Bookstore Bellevue store, and Elliott Bay Books in Pioneer Square. Portland folks can find signed copies at the Lloyd Center Borders, the downtown Borders (including the “Borders Express,” where I guess all the books can be read more quickly than at the normal Borders); a Borders somewhere around Beaverton (it was a big strip mall); Powell’s. And if you’re in Chicago, YOU SHOULD COME TO MY READING ON THURSDAY AT THE BARNES & NOBLE WEBSTER PLACE 7:30 PM NO EXCUSES. Well, if you came to the last Chicago reading that might be an excuse.

I have much more to write about the past week, but that will have to be much later. I probably won’t get a chance to post much this week, since I have to get back to the job and the BUST column, too. I’ll let you know about upcoming radio stuff, including an appearance with Kathy and Judy on Wednesday, and I’ll post a few more photos, too.

That sound you just heard was my head hitting the desk. I slept there, too.

There is free wireless here in the Portland airport. That’s all I have time to say.

Three readings, two television appearances, five radio interviews. (Just five? It feels like more.) Plus an all-day writers’ conference. It’s almost over but there’s just a little more I gotta do today. But if you miss me you can listen to this interview from yesterday. It’s about two minutes in. More later.