Every year on my birthday, I like to consult the stars. Well, really–the half-assed version of “the stars” that appears in a fifty-word blurb on a newspaper page right next to Mary Worth or some other lame comic strip. I used to be content with whatever vague predictions the Tribune coughed up, but now I can search around online for other options, so here goes.
Chicago Sun-Times #1 (they have two horoscope columns), Holly Mathis:
IF MARCH 13 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Your ever-evolving life is an inspiration to others. Put your message out there. The universe only knows to give to you if you are grateful for what you’ve received. Loving gestures are reciprocated, bringing comfort and healing. By June, you’re ready for an adventure. Sagittarius and Capricorn are ideal partners for travel, business and love. Your lucky numbers are 20, 14, 39, 3 and 25.
The first sentence makes it sound like I’m going to develop the ability to talk with dolphins through my fingertips, but I’m sure Holly means just personal growth or something. Sentence 4: ooh! Group hug! The fifth sentence makes me hope that I will be in a high-speed car chase with jewel thieves. I buy all the lucky number predictions except “39.”
This next one is from “Lovepsychic.com.”
Happy Birthday Pisces: This is the year to step out of your old self and refine your future! With liberating Uranus in your Sun sign, you are free to explore who you are and who you would like to be! You are free to seek new friendships, new lifestyles and a new self image! Money and career can be big issues. Abundant Jupiter in your house of finances can bring money you never expected this year. For instance, a tax problem is resolved, a credit snafu is worked out, a problem with a business partner comes to a compromise or the loan youï¿½ve been waiting for is approved and the check is in the mail! This is certainly the year to follow your intuition. The information coming from your Angels is mind boggling and on point. Your career might still be undergoing some needed changes. Letï¿½s face it Pisces, it is impossible for you work a nine to five unless there is some inner satisfaction attached to it! You need to feel needed at this time! Your spiritual life takes on an inner dimension! You will make incredible gains with meditation, yoga or prayer. The most profound change this year will be love! With crabby-Saturn in your house of love, you may not have been in the mood for romance for quite a while. All that changes on July 16th. You will feel like finding a special person and trying your hand again at the excitement of love!
Okay, the number of exclamation points in this one scares me. A lot! And yet, it’s pretty specific! Taxes! Credit! Yoga! Wow. If you’re reading this entry in my archives a few months from now, you’re totally going to check and see if I wrote something on July 16th, right? Or maybe one of you could do me a favor and email me on the 15th or so and remind me of my impending sudden readiness for romance so that when it happens I won’t mistake it for a nice beer buzz. But whatever it is, I donï¿½t want to know what “liberating Uranus” has to do with it.
Also, while I can’t speak for any other Pisces, I have not had crabby things in my house of love.
Chicago Sun-Times #2, Georgia Nicols:
IF MARCH 13 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: Actor William H. Macy (1950) shares your birthday. You can be quite prophetic. (Others know this about you.) You’re courageous, and can overcome enormous obstacles in your life. You’re both tolerant and accepting. Because of this, you will grow spiritually the longer you live. You like philosophy, spirituality and metaphysics. This year embraces exciting, major changes for you.
No kidding, Georgia Nicols totally mentioned the William H. Macy thing last year. Damn, you, Georgia, you owe me eight new words of astrological wisdom. But it’s not like the remaining fifty words are worth all that much. I’ll “grow spiritually the longer I live?” You mean I won’t grow in an inverse relationship to time? Well, that’s too bad, because, wow, think of all the philosophical, spiritual, and metaphysical implications of going backwards in time! And here is my prophecy: William H. Macy will get mentioned in my horoscope next year.
That’s all I could dig up tonight. If you happen to come across other birthday horoscopes online, I’d love to see them for March 13 and/or this week, so feel free to send links (or post them in the comments).