I love gum. Please let me have my gum. It allows me to indulge my horrifying oral dependency issues in friendly, non-deadly ways. Sometmes at work I will have to drop everything and walk out the front door and stumble through our non-pedestrian-friendly office campus, across the street, and through a massive parking lot to get to the nearest store that sells gum. I can’t do this in the middle of winter when there’s a lot of snow on the ground, though. Gum needs to be a utility, like water or heating gas. Understand: I must have gum.
Jesus Christ, do I ever love to chew stuff. You don’t even want to know. Even with gum I still have lots of illegitimate chewing pursuits, such as coffee stirrers, cocktail straws, the earpiece tips on sunglasses, bubble wrap (useless to most after popping, but delicious to me), plastic keychains, action figures, rubber jar openers, certain plastic cords used for purposes other than electrical or data transmission. Don’t give me a pen. Don’t ever give me a pen. Give me gum. Give me, especially, the fancy gum like Eclipse or Dentyne Ice that comes in that special plastic blister packaging, because when I’m out of gum I’ll chew that, too. Do you have some gum? I would like some gum. Thank you.