M. Giant at Velcrometer is holding a search phrase contest. He got the idea from a reader who said he and his friends were deliberately trying to get to Velcrometer via Google by way of a search phrase bizarre enough for M. Giant to notice it in his referral logs and mention it on his site. Lots of people take note of the weird search words in their site stats. But I think the big secret here is that apparently a lot of us like to create strange search phrases and try to aim them towards specific targets like little guided missiles of freaky garble. We send them out as secret messages or as the sort of insult you say between coughs. And by “we” I actually mean “me” and “some people I know.” And we call it “Googlesmacking.” Because, see, you’re using Google to smack someone.
So how does one Googlesmack? Let’s say, for instance, that one day you find yourself estranged from your better judgment long enough to read a really inane weblog post, perhaps one as vapid as the fictional excerpt below:
saw cappucino boy again. he is kinda boring but he is cute & i know that’s stupid & i think to my self ‘misty why are you so chicken? dump him’ but i am a very complicated person. hmm. also today i got email from some nasty guy who saw my body piercing pics.yuk. he has no life. thats it for now i am tired from doing stairmaster for 90 minutes but my thighs look awesome.
It’s true you could just put something blunt in your eye to keep yourself from reading stuff like this, but why should you? It won’t help you feel better. So study the entry. Start with the subject’s name: “Misty.” What word would you like to see go with “Misty”? “Nasty” is good. However, a search on just the phrase nasty Misty will yield about 150,000 results, all of them porn. (Seriously.) Thus you’ll have to add more words from the original page to make the search phrase unique. Add “chicken.” Add some nice adjectives and verbs. Eventually you’ll have constructed a sentiment like STUPID MISTY HAS NASTY CHICKEN THIGHS. Type it into Google and see if it gets you to Misty’s annoying Livejournal.
Bonus if it’s the first or only listing on the search results page. And once you see it on that Google page, you don’t have to click over to Misty’s site so that she sees it in her site stats. It may suffice to know that you’ve managed to alter the universe in some little way, that you’ve gotten Google to divine some kind of truth about Misty. Where else are you going to find pathetic passive-aggressive fun like that?