Various pleas to the universe

First: Bring back the dark chocolate Bounty Bars. I know that officially Bounty Bars haven’t been sold in the U.S. in years and years, but you can find the milk chocolate ones at any one of the four or five Greek and/or Mexican produce stores I shop at, and for a few exquisite months this summer and fall, they all carried the dark chocolate ones, too. The dark Bountys are sort of like Mounds, but Bounty : Mounds :: Belvedere : Absolut. Or Barbra : Celine. Or, if this were 1984, Guess Jeans : Palmettos. (And guess which kind I owned.) But anyway, dark chocolate Bountys are awesome, and have no almond traces to poison my boyfriend the way Mounds bars do. And so we’d snag one every couple of weeks until I guess the stock was depleted, and they gradually disappeared from one Bouzouki-muzak-blaring produce-mart checkout aisle after another. Now there’s only the dubious Balkan candy, and those sawdusty honey-and-sesame-seed thingies, and, of course, the totally unremarkable milk chocolate Bountys (in the blue wrappers) to remind us of what we’re missing. O red-wrappered Bounty goodness, when will you return? And if anyone has seen them lately at other Eurotrashy grocery locations around Chicago, please let us know.

Also, we wish the universe could bring back the little bitty grocery store around the corner from our place. We don’t know how long it was open; we thought it had opened shortly after we moved to the neighborhood because we went by and saw a “Grand Opening” banner inside, and we thought, hey, let’s give this guy our business, because he just opened and it’s the nice thing to do. And then after a year we realized that the banner was still up, and then we wondered if perhaps the owner kept it up all the time because he read in Ghetto Grocer Monthly that it was good for business if people thought you’d just opened; but by then it didn’t matter to us, because we liked that it was close, and that it was a half-decent produce store where you could get eggplants and ginger and lemongrass and coconut milk. And the guy was nice, too. And then on New Year’s eve afternoon we went over there to get limes and it was closed, with all the signs down and the windows ominously covered, and it appears to be very profoundly gone, and we are sad, and we hope Mr. Owner guy is okay.

Final plea: That How To Look Good Naked keeps on being an impressive show. I’d heard good things about it, but sometimes I can be really steadfastly cold and tiny-hearted when it comes to unabashedly cheerleaderish love-your-body sentiment, and I figured the show would be just a lot of chirpy encouragement to Love Our Curves with help from Carson Kressley, the Magical Gay. And while I guess it was a lot like that, I wasn’t at all prepared for how sniffly and verklempt I got during the first ten minutes, possibly because Carson and the girl on the show were both so very open about the distinctly fatty nature of her initial unhappiness and not just making vague mumblings about being “too curvy” or “plus-sized.” But while I was won over, I still nurse an icy little shard of skepticism in wondering how long it can keep going, how many bits of Jedi self-estreem wizardry can Carson really have—he won’t always get to work the miracle of the better-fitting bra, will he? Or the “really great skin” thing? But maybe an even better question is: so what if it is just the same little tricks over and over? So what if they only interviewed the nice strangers on the street, the ones who looked at her picture and said she was pretty? So what, maybe my stingy bitter soul will be saved after all? We shall see!


  1. says

    I wish I could find milk chocolate Bountys! Instead I have to pick the almonds off Almond Joys…
    The part about the grocer made me want to recommend “The Beautiful Things That Heaven Bears”, which is a wonderful book about an immigrant convenience shop-owner, but maybe that isn’t such a good idea, if you don’t want to feel more sad about the potential plight of Mr Owner guy.

  2. says

    How To Look Good Naked hasn’t shown in Australia yet. I hope it continues to be as postive as it sounds – including hopefully having some much larger women on it.

  3. Laurie says

    I feel the exact same way about the show. I’m generally super-cynical about this kind of message as it’s usually said with no real feeling behind it, but the show did make me all teary in an empowered way. I will watch again this week–and yes, probably cry again…

  4. Laura says

    I saw Nigella deep fry Bounty bars with her girlfriends once and the first taster described it as, “Christmas, Easter and your birthday all rolled into one.” I’ve wanted one ever since.

  5. Dani says

    I am loving “How To Look Good Naked”. I am so cynical when it comes to lets-celebrate-being-big shows. BUT, I also got teary when watching. I actually set my DVR to record the new ones…I hardly ever do that :o)

    Did anyone see the couple at the end? The girl asked if she looked good naked and Boyfriend said yes. Girlfriend made a HORRIBLE I-look-better-than-that-fat-B face. Rude.

  6. Wendy says

    Lucy: I actually have (and started) The Beautiful Things that Heaven Bears before the holidays, but then I kept on forgetting to bring the book home. I will pick it up again!

    Cheryl: Ahhh the case of Bountys on Amazon! Thank you! Maybe we will get that as a last resort if the bars don’t reappear in stores by March or so. Chris pointed out that if we DO get a case we’ll have to keep them locked up in a special box that we can only unlock together, using two keys at the same time, the way they do on nuclear submarines.

  7. Andy says

    A freind of mine who spent time in prison ( yikes!) taught me how to make prison hot chocolate. Just put a Mars bar ( you yanks have them down there? I bet a Bounty would work well) in a cup and add boiling hot water..then stir away…apparently they are all the rage on D block…however they are WAYYYY sweet , so be warned…

    If I find a stash of Dark chocolate Bounty bars, should I send them to you?

  8. says

    oooh wendy, did you guys ever get the Bounties with the pineapple mixed in with the coconut? sounds revolting but they were ACE!

    I had similar reservations about the UK version of this show, but it really did win me over with the empathy yet complete lack of bullshit. and Gok has so many great words for boobs.. baps! bangers! it goes on and on…

  9. Wendy says

    Pineapple ones? OMG!!! I would so try that! They’ve never shown up here, though.

    And I think the British are BOOB OBSESSED on their makeover shows. Trinny and Susannah were always with the grabbing! The ogling! The adjusting!

  10. says

    While this won’t be of much help NOW, if you ever find yourself in the Oregon Coast town of Seaside, The Buzz carries dark chocolate Bounty bars and plenty of other international and domestic candy treats. Plus, they have like 40 varieties of fudge, which is just wrong.

  11. says

    I hope Amazon comes through: if not, I will absolutely send you some dark Bounties if you like. Because I agree TOTALLY that they are much, much better than the milk chocolate ones. And I have a nut-allergic bloke, too, so I sympathise. And they’re freely available in Britain.

    It is only British makeover-programme hosts that are boob-obsessed, as far as I can tell. Not the rest of the general populace. Anyone grabbing mine is going to get a very dirty look, I can tell you.

  12. Linsee says

    I think there’s a lot of british candy that is superior to stuff here in the US. Thornton’s banana toffee is my most favorite thing ever.

  13. says

    Thanks for the Palmettos flashback. Stonewashed. Little embroidered tree. Nice. ; )

    I’ve never heard of Bounty but love me some Mounds bars…will have to investigate, and also clearly watch this show, which I’ve been avoiding.

  14. princess_smartypants says

    Ah, if only the universe would answer my pleas to bring back the roasted onion boca burgers (the 1 pt ones, not the ridiculous 3 pt ones). And River Phoenix. Bring him back, too.

    P.S. The new font makes my eyes go blurry.

  15. Mary says

    I watched practically the whole show How to Look Good Naked from behind my hands because I was too scared to watch, like in a scary movie when you want to know what happens but not necessarily see it with your own eyes. When I told some friends about the show and how they projected a giant picture of the girl in her undies on Times Square (or wherever) and asked strangers what they thought, it was mayhem for a few minutes and then everyone got quiet and just looked down at their wine, minds blown. I will give it another try or two but I am not totally convinced either.

    Now, dark chocolate Bounty bars are another story. I kinda forgot about them until now, so um, thanks, I think? for the reminder.

  16. says

    I don’t have a TV right now but I’m going to try to scare down a copy of the first few episodes of How To Look Good Naked, I think. Everyone’s talking about that show!

    If you’d rather not face the sinking feeling of ordering an entire case, I live in Canada with access to the dark Bounty bars. I could mail you a couple. I went through this when I was in FL and missing Coffee Crisps, my family would give me a case for Christmas, etc. That was how I learned that there’s nothing sadder than a case of hard-to-get chocolate bars going stale because you can’t eat them fast enough.

  17. says

    Hey – email me an address and I’ll send you some DC Bounties. You make me laugh; that deserves chocolate. (Plus, I get free shipping internationally at work).

  18. says

    Ah, this reminds me of the one time I saw dark chocolate Reese’s PB cups in a gas station in Delaware, but opted not to get them as I’d been eating crap all weekend. ONLY TIME I EVER SAW IT. Moral of the story: never let anything dark chocolate out of your sight.

  19. justsayno says

    There’s an English specialty shop less than 1/2 a block from my office. Until reading these posts, I’ve never, ever, had any reason to haul myself down there. Thank God, I forgot my wallet today- and it’s about 10 degrees outside. Perhaps on a warmer, less ADHD-tinged day, I’ll go see about Bounty Bars and banana toffee.

  20. says

    If anyone out there wants the first episode of How to Look Good Naked, and has iTunes, that first episode is up for free there. The rest are $1.99, though. The show is fantastic, though I wonder what they’re telling people the show is about ,since they continue to act all surprised when they’re asked to strip. How can they expect to look good naked without, you know, being naked?

  21. says

    I haven’t seen a Bounty Bar since I hit the shores of Florida in 2002! I would suggest looking for an English shop in your town or just order from one of the online shops that sell imported foods.