It’s not like me to watch this sort of thing, but in the BUST column I just finished I found myself writing an awful lot about Britney’s butt cellulite, so I guess I’m a little more invested than usual. And so, here is my reaction in list form:
1. Why did they make her even dance? Why did MTV think she could anything even remotely complicated, now that she no longer has a dedicated cadre of dungeonmaster managers and trainers to smack and pinch her through all the rehearsals? Why couldn’t they have just stuck her on a big swing or something?
2. I have a sinking feeling the weave was her idea.
3. SHE IS NOT FAT.
4. No, seriously: why did they make her DANCE? They could have just stuck her on a hydraulic lift. Or had her fly out on a zip line. Or wheeled her out on a dolley. They could have put her on a trampoline. They could have made her play a robot so that her shuffling and awkwardness wouldn’t have been so tragic. She could have driven out in a little car a la Gary Numan, so she wouldn’t have had to even walk. For the love of God IT DIDN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
5. They could have stuck her on a giant turntable. A bungee cord. A catapult. ANYTHING.