Although it’s been said many times, many ways, I still hate The Christmas Song. Also known as the Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire Song. Also known as the song which opens up a giant sucking hole in the universe, a festive wreath-trimmed portal to sheer nothingness. The fact that I actually love Christmas and love Christmas music (even that hallucinatory Carol of The Bells song) does not keep me from wanting to punch this song, hard. Punch it in the chestnuts, even. Roast THESE, Christmas Song! Pow!
The Christmas Song is a hollow song; a big, dull, polystyrene unbreakable ornament of a song. I guess I didn’t always hate this song, but it takes up space in my head and more than thirty years of my consciousness of it has finally worn the lyrics down to their bare, flimsy logic. Paraphrased roughly, the Christmas Song goes like this: “Here’s a Christmasy thing, here’s another Christmasy thing, and another Christmasy thing, and yet another Christmasy thing. Everybody knows this one Christmasy thing and this other Christmasy thing makes things extra-Christmasy at Christmas. Children are excited about Christmas. Children know that Christmas is coming and bringing additional Christmasy things. All children, as a matter of fact, will make sure that certain Christmasy things really are as Christmasy as they purport to be. So Merry Christmas to almost everyone, and though everyone says Merry Christmas anyway, I’ll say it like it’s particularly special, even though it’s not, really.”
See? It’s full of crap. It’s the musical equivalent of snowman poop.
And you know, a lot of the Christmasy things this songs lists are pretty random. “Everybody knows a turkey and some mistletoe help to make the season bright.” That’s right: A turkey and some mistletoe. Chris pointed out that it’s like saying a Snickers Bar and the color orange are what makes Halloween so special. I mean, you could just fill in the blanks all day: An elf shoe and some marzipan! A reindeer and some gingerbread! A pudding and some tinsel stars! A cookie and some blinky lights! A fruitcake and some credit cards! Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho! I don’t know why the world takes this song seriously and not the Barking Dog Jingle Bells song, because when it comes down to it, the two songs have about the same depth of meaning. And if you ask me, Barking Dog Jingle Bells has way more joy.
Plus, isn’t “Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow” the creepiest line ever? Discuss!