Hello kitty. Shut up, kitty.

You know those audblog posts that are showing up on people’s weblogs lately? Apparently Blogger users get a one-post free trial, so last night I got all ambitious and tried recording and posting one. I tried it because, for once, I had a good reason to get all multimedia on you people.

There’s this cat. Or kitten, I guess: it sounds like a kitten. I’ve never seen it. It lives across the hall in the apartment of a new neighbor I don’t think I’ve met yet. I think this cat is an even newer neighbor, because evidently it hasn’t gotten the hang of apartment living. A few nights ago I started to hear it next door crying and crying. I went out in the hallway and stared at the neighbor’s door. I could tell it was right there on the other side, mewling and yipping and channelling the despair of the entire universe. My heart wrung its hands and crawled into a fetal position and I think also my ovaries got all confused and started buzzing with some kind of displaced mommy instinct. “Kitty,” I called. “It’s okay.” “Fuck that shit,” it meowed back. “God is dead.”

Since then, whenever I hear the yowling, I check to see if the neighbor’s been home–there are signs that he or she has–and furthermore I can hear the TV or radio in the apartment sometimes, which means either someone’s home or is trying to provide comforting backround noise for Drama Kitty. So I think it’s under control. Still, I guess I must come home before the neighbor does, because the sound of me coming up the stairs seems to be the cue for another episode of Existential Cat Theatre, and I can hear it even after I’ve gone inside.

Anyway, I thought I’d share that with you through the magic of Audblog. I’d sign up and then step over to my neighbor’s door with my cordless phone and let kitty do the talking. So I tried. Like I recorded and re-recorded. I sat on the floor and held the phone near the crack beneath the door. The cat yowled pitifully enough times and then some, but then there were also some uncharacteristic silences where I think it knew I was up to something. After several tries I finally decided to post the damn thing and see how the mp3 sounded.

Please explain to me why this cat’s voice can carry all the way into the living room of my apartment, even when I have the TV on, but then almost doesn’t register at all in an audio recording made a few inches from the source. I’m sure there’s a scientific reason.

The audblog post pretty much consists of an uncomfortable silence with only a few little squeaks that you can barely hear over the hum of your monitor. I cranked up the volume and listened to it as well as I could over the sound of the cat still meowing in real time. It’s not good.

(Note: just now I realized I still have the link in my cache. I might as well post it, I guess)

Powered by audblogaudio post powered by audblog

Yeah. I don’t know if you can even hear it. Sorry. If I ever get the chance again I’ll recite a dirty limerick.

If it helps, I posted something on Michael’s blog this morning. Go there, too.

How everything is

My life is busy. My grandma’s okay. My Thanksgiving was good and for the first time in my personal experience featured the entire turkey sitting on a platter on the dining room table just like in the Norman Rockwell pictures. My head is sleepy. My visits to the gym are sporadic but becoming less so. My TiVo playlist has almost nothing on it now but those We Are The Eighties video collections on VH1 Classic. My browser just crashed.

My days are much shorter than I would like them to be. My secret wish is to have a crystyal meth habit so I could get shit done, but I know perfectly well that would be a lousy idea, though I can’t help but think that I’d lose a few pounds too. My credibility as a weight-loss or healthy body-image blogger of any kind just went careening off a cliff with that last sentence. My column on Queer Eye is out in the latest BUST if I haven’t mentioned it, but I think I might have. My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult was one of my favorite bands years ago and I bet you didn’t know that.

My other site has a few little updates. My breakfast this morning was worth three points. My sneaking suspicion is that I care much more about this than you do, unless you are also on Weight Watchers. My weblog software enables me to retro-date entries, so if it’s okay with you I’d like to pretend this is still Wednesday. My plan was to post yesterday but I didn’t get a chance. My God, I can’t believe the year is almost over.

And you?