Posts from — October 2003

Limping in Lipstick Bernadette’s a paraplegic who dreams of a glamorous world beyond the ceiling she stares at all day. If only someone would move the TV, she thinks. But who knew all she needed was a makeover to give her sciatic nerve some nerve? Girl, who needs physical therapy when you got SPINE?! A story that will make the spastic gimp inside you thump her helmet against the wall and screech with joy. Oh, wait–most paraplegics aren’t retarded? Whatever.

Rock Her World Claudia is an inner-city crack whore who sleeps in an appliance box in a filth-strewn viaduct. One day she has a lucid moment and finds the open end of the box and can crawl out! “Oh my God, that job sucked,” she says. She brushes herself off and buys some strappy sandals with a wad of cash that–I don’t know–a nice old bag lady gives her in like a plot twist or something.

Taliban Annie Tahmeena wishes people could see how fabulous she is under her burqua, but she lets those pesky warlords tell her what to do. All she needs is the sass to tell them off! But first she has to take a good look deep inside. Isn’t she really just flogging herself sometimes? Soon she and her best girlfriends are kicking up their exposed heels and tossing back Cosmos at Immolation, their very own nightclub! Oh, wait–things are still crappy in Afghanistan? Whatever.

Mommy and Daddy Aren’t Divorced Anymore! A truly heartwarming children’s book.

Ericka: what are you going to smack on next for your Jemima J thing
Wendy: I don’t know
Ericka: please please let it be about the part where her FRIENDS put her head on a THIN PERSON’S BODY in photoshop
Wendy: oh yeah! so that she’s riding a bicycle!
Ericka: and it’s a total miracle!
Ericka: since she’s always been WAY TOO FAT to ride a bike!
Ericka: because there’s no place to STASH FOOD on a bicycle!!!
Wendy: I know!
Ericka: I love how they photoshop this FAKE PICTURE of her and she’s NOT TOTALLY OFFENDED
Wendy: I know! Or creeped out.
Ericka: I would kick someone’s ass if they did that
Ericka: if they were like, “look! we made this fake picture of you! where you’re not hideous!!!”
Ericka: “aren’t you HAPPY?!”
Wendy: do you not like this book either?
Ericka: God!